Still trying to get over Sporting Goods, I set out on an adventure half way around the world. By myself. I don't plan on sleeping with foreign dudes because you always hear about crazy international kidnappings, so I keep my flirting to a minimum...until...I meet up with a friend who just happens to be in the same exotic country I am. He's gay and horny. My perfect partner in crime. We hit the clubs in a land where very few people speak English. Drinks are like 2 cents so we get obliterated. Out of the corner of my eye, I spot a man staring at me. I'm not sure what he really looks like, but my friend has found his hump partner for the night so I make my way to my potential nightcap. Turns out he speaks some English. I wish I could describe what he looks like, but all I can make out are that his facial features are all in the right place. And he has gelled, spiky hair. Good enough for me. I grab his face and make out with him like I haven't made out in years. He's extremely taken aback by my aggressive gesture but of course he's digging it while thinking, "crazy Americans." He asks me to go back with him but I'm not drunk enough to hide my paranoia, so I decline. We exchange emails and I suck his tongue good night.
The next day, I get an email from him saying, "I believe it was love at first sight. I have no doubt that I am in love with you."
I don't respond.
The following day, I get another email saying, "Why haven't you responded? Do you not feel the same way? I've never met a woman like you. You are mine now."
I'm a little scared and still do not respond.
Third day: "I still haven't heard from you. Are you OK? You are my girl now. Don't let anybody else have you, I will be very jealous. I love you."
Shitting my pants a little bit, I refuse to respond once again.
Fourth day: "I will always love you...from the moment I met you. We will meet again I am sure of it."
Note to self: Change my name ASAP.
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