Mr. Teapot

I swear some guys know immediately when a girl is back on the market.  This guy I went out with tonight was definitely one of them.  I've known him for about a year through a mutual friend and I've never found him physically attractive.   I will call him "Teapot" because he's short and stout.  He has love handles, and I'm sure a little spout.  Teapot has short curly black hair, stubby baby hands, and dresses like a douchy Jon Gosselin.   You know, the 30-something who thinks he could hang with the cool kids.  

Ok, so I'm not painting a great picture of the first guy I'm going on a date with since the breakup, but he has redeeming qualities.  He has a well-paying job in finance, he's made some smart investment decisions that are currently paying off, and he is one of the wittiest people I've ever met.  

So Teapot somehow magically senses that I am single and texts me, "Let's get together for drinks."  We meet up at an after-work bar and decide that we'd rather eat, so he takes me to this well-known Japanese restaurant in mid-town.  He orders just about everything on the menu and a full bottle of sake.  We don't run out of things to talk about and the laughter doesn't stop, but the attraction doesn't build either.  

At 2am, I am wasted and can barely see the $300 tab that he just paid for.  Teapot offers to walk me home and when we get there, I hug him good-bye.  Apparently, that was an invitation for him to stick his short and stout tongue down my throat.  To my surprise, the Teapot kiss didn't make me throw up.  And it got better after I closed my eyes to picture the hot guy I used to make out with back in the day.  Then, Teapot grabs my right breast and squeezes with a little bit of naughty aggression.  Teapot is steaming.  My eyes are still tightly closed but I am somewhat enjoying this absurd makeout session happening out in public in front of giggling strangers stumbling home.  Teapot gets ambitious and goes to finger me over my jeans.  All of a sudden, an image of his baby fingers awaken me from my fantasy.   "Ahhhhhhh, WTF?!" I think to myself.  I pull away and quickly say "Good night."

Gimme a break, I'm just getting warmed up.